


The Penis Game

by Geoff_Ramseys_Moustache



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Flirting, F/M, M/M, Marauders' Era, No fucks are given, Prompt Fic, Remus Isnt A Marauder... Yet, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Friendship, Remus Lupin Is A Swearwolf, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Shenanigans, Short & Sweet, Sirius Is Bad At Flirting, Swearing, Tumblr Prompt, Wolfstar For Life, nerd Remus, the penis game, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-20 10:52:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9487991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geoff_Ramseys_Moustache/pseuds/Geoff_Ramseys_Moustache
Summary: .:You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over here so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning:.Remus is fucking done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yooo if you guys want i'm not opposed to writing another chapter!! :D

Its had almost been 6pm and Remus had been in the Hogwarts library for 4 fucking hours studying for his potions exam that he was probably more than ready for and he had fucking had it. 

The group of friends, most commonly known as the marauders, had walked in an hour or so ago and had not shut up. A constant stream of giggling and insults could be heard at all points, not even the feared librarian had managed to shut them up. Madam Pince had all but cast a silencing charm on the stupid gits. 

Remus didn’t say anything, he sat quietly and tried (but failed) to concentrate on the book that sat unread on the desk. The laughing and giggling continued if not amplified and Remus had started to lose his patience. Now, Remus was a very patient and non-temperamental person, he’s had years of controlling his anger till it was almost second nature…but there was one exception, one thing that pissed him off for no other reason than teenage angst. That exception was Sirius Black. The berk that always managed to get under Remus’ skin by getting the best grades without studying, fitting in with every social group, having great hair and the most mesmerising silver eyes and a devilish grin… okay so maybe Remus didn’t hate him and maybe he had a little (BIG) crush on the guy but hey who didn’t. but despite all these “redeeming” qualities Sirius pissed him off so fucking much sometimes. Like right now for example. 

This is when Remus started to misplace his cool. The gang of rag tag misfits had started playing the “Penis Game”. 

Now for those of you who don’t know, the penis game is played in a public area that is usually quiet (e.g. a library or a classroom) the game begins by one person whispering (although you don’t have to whisper to start it) the word “penis” and the next person saying “penis” slightly (or a lot) louder than the last, this goes on until someone is to chicken shit to say (or scream) penis. 

Remus had a love hate relationship with this game. Remus liked to class himself as the raining champion of the game because quite frankly he didn’t give a flying flapjack about his reputation, however he never officially ‘won’ a game of Penis but he always ended them. This is where the hate part of their relationship came in, Remus wasn’t a massive fan of the penis game, in all honesty he downright hated it because they disrupted his train of though.  
It also got him in a load of trouble. He had served many a detention with McGonagall because of the penis game. 

5 minutes had passed and they had yet to rise above a quiet yell and Remus was about to implode in a silent rage. So instead of going out silently, Remus had decided to go out with a bang. 

The next slightly louder but still quiet yell of penis echoed softly through the library as Remus quietly got up from his desk and made his way toward the group. James was first to notice his arrival and quickly got the other two to quiet down with a quick hit and a head nod. 

“Are you twats going to fucking stop or am I going to have to make you?” Remus asked knowing full well that they wouldn’t stop and that he would have to obliterate them. 

Sirius smirked knowingly, probably taking Remus’ threat as a challenge and took a deep breath before yelling in moderately loud voice.

“PENIS!”

Remus sighed and smiled condescendingly at Sirius, took a very deep breath and while looking Sirius dead in the eyes he screamed as loud as he could…

“PENIS!!” They looked shocked at this scrawny, nerdy looking teen bellowed out the phallic word. 

 

“James… I think I’m in love.” Sirius looked over at James with a wide grin. Remus tilted his head as a bid goodbye as he walked back to his desk, trying very hard to hide the very prominent blush. 

It didn’t take long before a very confident Sirius Black strode up to Remus and sat down beside him. Remus tried his hardest to ignore the handsome git that was looking at him intently. 

“So Remus Lupin… Come here often?” Sirius smirked. 

“Yes, unlike you I come here frequently.” 

“Remus! Was that sass, did you sass me? I am wounded…” Sirius gasped. “You just wait until James hears about this.”

“Oh no I’m just shaking in fear.” Remus smiled softly at Sirius as he threw his head back in laugher. 

“OI Pads we gotta go before Mcgonagall thinks we’re scheming again.” James shouted down the hall of books. Sirius sighed before looking down at Remus. 

“I’ll see you around yea?” Sirius asked as he left. 

Remus smiled down at himself, biting his lip to keep himself from grinning like a madman as he whispered to himself.

“see you around Sirius.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be 1 (or 2... it depends) other chapter i promise im not ending it here :D

“Lily you don’t understand… he’s an absolute twat nugget but he’s just so much he’s just… ugh.” Remus grumbled as he places another square of chocolate on his tongue and fell back onto the dusty floor. 

He and lily had been laying on the floor of the observatory for a few hours, simply talking about everything and nothing at the same time. How they got onto the topic of Sirius Black was beyond Remus. Lily and Remus had been friends since 2nd year, she was the first to know about his furry problem and not run screaming, she was also the first and only person to know that he was gay. 

“Ohh Remus but I do know… I know all to well what its like to have an insufferable berk flirt with you.” Lily hummed. 

“I still think you should just humour him; at least once how bad can James really be lil’s?” 

“May I remind you that the person you’re talking about is the same one that wore MY underwear and ran around the dormitory when he and his little friends were playing truth or dare.” She glared in Remus’ general direction, too lazy to actually pick up her head to properly glare at him. Remus shuttered at the memory. 

He didn’t need to be reminded of the ‘incident’ as it was still fresh in everyone’s minds. Truly traumatic… the image of James’ nut flying out of lily’s undies as Sirius cackled at the sight had scared him and a large majority of the male Gryffindor population for life. 

“Yes, point taken.” 

Lily would never admit it, but her ‘undying’ flame of hatred for James had dwindled to something akin to a lit match. And although that may be the case Lily has too much pride to admit that she found James attractive and his antics amusing. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Lily sat up and began gathering her things. 

“Its getting rather late Re, we should get going.” 

Remus hummed in response and began collecting his now completed homework and stacks of books.

The two walked in sync on their way back to the dormitories… until they spotted three very suspicious looking Gryffindor’s sneaking about. Lily, with her amazing amount of confidents spoke up. 

“And what do you three think you’re doing lurking around the halls after dark, you all should be in your dorms.” 

The three stopped instantly and turned to face the Prefect and Head Girl. James and his band of misfits. 

“Remus… Lily, what a pleasure to see you two, ah and contrary to popular belief we…” Sirius motioned to Peter and James. “Are doing absolutely nothing, nope, nothing at all.” 

“and your dorm room isn’t good enough for you to do ‘nothing’ in?” Remus quietly countered. Sirius tried to, but failed, subdue a grin that sprawled across his face at Remus’ sarcastic comment. 

“well you see…” Sirius looked to James, who shrugged. “We’ve got nothin’ how many detentions do we have?” The group collectively hung their heads. 

Lily and Remus looked to each other, a silent conversation that lasted only a mere 3 seconds was enough for them to get the same idea. 

“If you three get back to the dorm common room in the next say… 3o seconds you wont have any.” Lily spoke. Shock riddle the Marauders faces. 

“Are you… are you serious?” James asked, still looking bewildered. 

“Oh most definitely.” 

With that the three took off running towards the dorms which were a few 1oo metres away. 

“We should have just given them the detentions shouldn’t have we?” Remus asked. 

“Mmhmm.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter guys hope you like how it ends, i'm sorry its a bit abrupt i didn't really know where to go from here really.

They arrived at the dormitory panting and hoping to merlin that they got there before the 3o second mark. It wasn’t the first time they had been caught sneaking out, and it definitely wont be the last time either. It was however the first time they had gotten off without a detention.

“Your girlfriend is nuts mate.” Peter spoke, bent over still out of breath from sprinting. 

“Oi, she’s not my girlfriend…yet.” James smiled as though he had a chance with Lily causing Sirius ‘involuntarily’ to smack James on the back of the head. 

“Keep dreaming Jamie, despite your wooing powers, she still thinks you’re a massive dickhead.” 

The three lads made their way up to their dormitory, feeling slightly disappointed that they weren’t able to complete their prank. 

“That lupin bloke is bloody mad… do you think he and even are like a… thing.” James asked, seemingly worried. Sirius shook his head and laughed quietly before replying. 

“Don’t worry, I think he swings the other way.” 

~~~~~~~~~~|-|~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Remus had set himself up in the common room, book and cup of black tea in his hand. He had planed to spend his day reading his book and ignoring the upcoming full moon. Despite the fact that it was still a good few days away, Remus felt as though someone took a bat to his head. The common room was not quiet but softly ambient, quiet chattering and soft movement filled the room. It was comfortable warm and Remus was content. Until his name was called. He knew his name was called although he thought if he ignored it they would go away… they didn’t and his name was called once more… and then again… and again until he gave up, sighed and asked.

“What could you possibly wan-t.” Remus stuttered the last word as his amber eyes made contact with lively silver grey eyes. “Sirius?” 

Sirius grinned in response, proud of himself for acquiring Remus’ attention. 

“Oh you remembered my name, I’m shocked.” Sirius teased in an overdramatic fashion. 

“kinda hard to forget.” Remus mumbled before blushing and looking down when he realised that Sirius heard him. “What is it that you want Sirius?”

“Well dear Remus, what I want is you and me going to Hogsmeade tomorrow.” Sirius grinned down at Remus and watched as the wolf gaped at him, eyes wide and brows raised.   
“Ah… What?” 

“I’m asking you on a date, Remus.” Sirius paused. “You know for a smart bloke you’re rather thick.” 

“O-okay.” Remus answered.

“Okay?” 

“I’ll, ah, go on a date with you.” Remus replied. Sirius’ grin amplified as he got up and did a little dance before kissing Remus on the check and running up the stairs to the dorms, shouting back to him.

“I’ll see you later then!” 

“what have I done?” Remus questioned and went back to reading, both anticipating the next day with excitement and dread. 

~~~~~~~~~~|-|~~~~~~~~~~

In the end their date went hilariously bad and ended with Sirius covered in ice cream, but Remus didn’t seem to mind and agreed to go on another, and then another after that, and soon after they became the second most talked about couple… after Lily and James of course.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Gobstones, Broomsticks, and Ancient Runes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9638261) by [mysid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysid/pseuds/mysid)




End file.
